The Impact of School Trauma in Adulthood
If you've been on this journey with me for awhile, you will know that I constantly speak out against the detrimental effect the education system has on children. As an Educator myself, I know the ins and outs of the system, and most of what they put forth I am in strong disagreement with. There is a lack of understanding of secure attachment, connection, emotional wellbeing and awareness, and basic human rights/needs.
I even did a podcast episode on how the education system is harmful to the wellbeing of our teachers and educators. You can listen to here.
Basically, no one leaves school unscathed. We all have wounds, hurts and trauma from our time in the school system.
Sometimes that can look like bullying from peers and teachers.
Stress from the academic expectations and being pitted against our peers.
Anxiety from tests, exams and grades.
Boredom and indifference because we didn't learn things that interested us.
I'd like to acknowledge that we might have fond memories of our school life that we can look back on, like our friendships, learning things we loved and having kind caring teachers. However, we do spend 13 years of our childhood at school, which is a longtime for a child. So, some stress does occur.
Recently, a friend of mine shared with me how they were really struggling with a tertiary course they are doing. They needed to complete a quiz, which in my opinion doesn't even demonstrate the skills required to perform their job. The questions were worded ambiguously, there was no clarity, and if you didn't receive 100%, you failed and couldn't move on in the course.
Many of the qualifications we are forced to do, say nothing about who we are as people, or how we are supposed to translate this knowledge into skills and practice. The Diploma of Early Childhood Education & Care I completed to be an Educator was ridiculously useless. The only thing I learnt was that the departments responsible for creating these courses, laws and regulations, actually know very little about how to implement trauma-informed practices into childcare settings that truly support and accept children for who they are. They have too much focus on box-ticking, learning outcomes and artificial expectations around healthy child development. In fact, they are training adults to cause trauma and stress to children due to the systems and practices they have created, as well as the pressures they place on Educators to always comply.
Yes, I know that's a big thing to say, and I'm completely unapologetic about saying it. I will always continue to speak out against the areas of society that are considered 'normal,' yet causing immense amounts of harm. Just because something is deemed 'normal' does not make it right. I question and analyse EVERYTHING, it's how my brain works.
Back to my friend:
This entire process, revealed a trauma that my friend had experienced during school:
"I'm not good enough."
"I'm not smart enough."
"I'm too dumb."
"I can't do simple things."
All of these are harsh things that many of us can relate to, because many of us have similar stories that started when we were children. Unless we have the presence of a loving, compassionate person to listen to all the big feelings that surround these thoughts, then this wound continues to follow us throughout life.
There's often a misconception that once we leave school, then we can put all the horrible things that happened to us in the past. However, that's not how trauma works.
"Trauma until we work through it, keeps us stuck in the past, robbing us of the present moment's riches, limiting who we can be" ~ Gabor Mate
Even as grown adults, we still get transported back in time to that little child that was ridiculed, judged and spoken harshly to. For me personally, I always pushed myself academically. I didn't want to be one of the children that failed. I made myself complete tasks I didn't like. From this, I developed perfectionistic traits. Everything I did needed to be perfect, and the perfection needed to happen immediately, not after a few drafts.
I was anxious, overwhelmed and stressed. Until I burnout...as a child. I would often have tummy issues, feel sick and refuse to go to school.
As an adult, this showed up in procrastinating things I really wanted to do. Because my wound was telling me, "what's the point in starting if I don't get it perfect first time?"
This even transferred into my parenting.
I had to get Aware Parenting perfect, otherwise I wasn't a "good enough" parent or Aware Parenting instructor.
I didn't start to heal, until I turned around, looked at my past and said "stop."
I brought awareness and self-reflection to those moments where I strove for nothing short of perfect.
What emotion was I feeling?
What sensations were arising in my body?
What thoughts and images were wafting unchecked in my mind?
What stories was I telling myself that simply weren't true?
What was I needing to help me move this through and out?
Once I did this, I started letting go of the expectations, the relentless drive for perfectionism.
It took time, patience and a huge amount of self-compassion.
I reached out to my Listening Partners and shared all that was going on for me.
I cried, I raged, I laughed.
I then witnessed the same patterns and stories in my eldest son. Every time he set out to do something, and it didn't work he would rip up his work, he would feel overwhelmed, helpless, powerless. He would lash out in humiliation. It was heartbreaking, watching him put all this unnecessary pressure on himself, and it all came from his limited time in the school system.
What are we doing, not only to our children, but humanity at large by instilling these beliefs that there is something wrong with us?
This is a systemic societal and cultural issue that is affecting our overall wellbeing.
Gabor Mate states, "for the longest time, we have been asking the misguided question 'what is wrong with you?' This question makes no sense in light of current science. Now we are learning to ask 'what has happened to you?'"
When I work alongside a child who thinks there is something wrong with them, they are not good enough or they are too much, I really focus on giving compassion, empathy and holding space lovingly for all their feelings.
With the adults I work with, I offer the same thing. Although, the process can take longer because we have decades of trauma, stress and accumulated feelings to work through. However, it is never impossible to work through our childhood trauma and stresses that keep showing up in our life. With the right support around you, from people who are trauma-informed, compassionate and understand the natural healing processes of the body, you can not only heal your own life, but also not pass those limiting beliefs on to your child/ren.
What thoughts and feelings arose as you read this? What resonates? What doesn't? Are old childhood traumas still showing up in your life? Where would you like to see change occur in our society/culture?
Remember, it can seem really hard and overwhelming working through all of this. I invite you to have so much compassion for yourself, to reach out for support and know that you are not alone, we all have similar stories.
With Kindness & Gratitude,
Steph